Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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