I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
