I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
