so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
