I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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