He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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