At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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