awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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