In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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