The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
