She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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