Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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