Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
