i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize