If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
