I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
