His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize