I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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