tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
