listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
