Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
