I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
