Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
