Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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