My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
