How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
