So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
