he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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