omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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