I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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