PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
