I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
