i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
