My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were trust falling into bushes
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