Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
