pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
