This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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