someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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