If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
