She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
