God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
