I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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