the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
