When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
