Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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