So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
