Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
