she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
