omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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