I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
