And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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