dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
