Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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