proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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