theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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