He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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