I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
