I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
wow bdsm is so cute
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
