Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
