Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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